I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
