How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
