why do cheetos always look like penises
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
