you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
