apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
