my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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