census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
