I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you win again, gameday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
