Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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