You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
