Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
