you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
