I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
