we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
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I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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