My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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