Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Are we still banned from the library?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
