Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
