she was so not down for the gang bang
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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