i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
