My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He better not be in your backpack
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
