Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
