So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
organizing the empties. That sober.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
