New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
