The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
