I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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