He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
