i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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