he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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