he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
