She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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