I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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