wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
