I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
