I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
