So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
