someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
