you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
