I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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