Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Help. Why am I so naked?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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