She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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