I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
