I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
