all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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