Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
