My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
