My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
