This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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