My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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