I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
