I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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