Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
