Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
