Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
