Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
