Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
