She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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